1
00:00:07,395 --> 00:00:10,363
Carol, just because you
passed your diabetes test

2
00:00:10,365 --> 00:00:13,733
doesn't mean you should go
hog-wild with all these pies.

3
00:00:13,735 --> 00:00:15,068
These pies are yours.

4
00:00:15,070 --> 00:00:17,804
You made them last night
when you were on sleeping pills.

5
00:00:17,806 --> 00:00:18,805
That's impossible.

6
00:00:18,807 --> 00:00:20,740
I don't even know how to make a pie.

7
00:00:20,742 --> 00:00:23,509
Well, clearly, because this
one's filled with screws;

8
00:00:23,511 --> 00:00:25,044
this one scouring pads; and this one

9
00:00:25,046 --> 00:00:27,413
a can of tuna and my old address book.

10
00:00:27,415 --> 00:00:28,581
Well...

11
00:00:28,583 --> 00:00:30,416
what about this nice meringue?

12
00:00:30,418 --> 00:00:32,585
It's shaving cream.

13
00:00:34,488 --> 00:00:36,956
This is the third time you've been on one

14
00:00:36,958 --> 00:00:39,191
of your sleeping pill adventures this week.

15
00:00:42,462 --> 00:00:43,728
(screams)

16
00:00:43,730 --> 00:00:46,365
Interpol is looking for me.

17
00:00:46,367 --> 00:00:49,001
Why are you taking these sleeping pills?

18
00:00:49,103 --> 00:00:51,670
Look, it's just that ever since
Leon and I got divorced,

19
00:00:51,672 --> 00:00:54,205
I've had a hard time
falling asleep in my bed alone.

20
00:00:54,207 --> 00:00:56,207
And the pills help.

21
00:00:56,209 --> 00:00:57,776
You have to stop taking them.

22
00:00:57,778 --> 00:00:59,644
Why? It's not like I'm hurting anyone.

23
00:00:59,646 --> 00:01:02,246
I wonder where I even got all these screws.

24
00:01:02,248 --> 00:01:04,449
Huh.

25
00:01:09,129 --> 00:01:11,296
I need to throw out my pills.

26
00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:16,804
The Millers - 02x11 - Series Finale Hero

27
00:01:26,766 --> 00:01:29,484

28
00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:38,664
(cell phone buzzes)

29
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:40,632
Dude, I think you're getting a text.

30
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:41,699
(whoops)

31
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:42,967
(groans)

32
00:01:42,969 --> 00:01:44,902
Is this that girl Donna
you went out with last night?

33
00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:46,137
I thought you said she was hot.

34
00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:47,929
This chick looks like Ving Rhames in a wig.

35
00:01:47,931 --> 00:01:49,264
(scoffs)

36
00:01:49,309 --> 00:01:51,242
That's my niece.

37
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:53,195
And thank you. We're playing Ugly Face Tag.

38
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,246
What's that?

39
00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:55,513
All the kids are playing it.

40
00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,615
The one who sends the ugliest selfie wins.

41
00:01:57,617 --> 00:02:00,485
(grunts)

42
00:02:00,487 --> 00:02:01,586
Sounds like fun.

43
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,187
Look, I know it's silly,

44
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,022
but this is what good uncles do.

45
00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:07,024
Don't you do stuff with Mikayla?

46
00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:08,626
I don't know, man. I mean, I've tried,

47
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,194
but we just don't have anything in common.

48
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,962
She's into that same weird hippie stuff

49
00:02:11,964 --> 00:02:13,397
that Debbie and Adam are into.

50
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:15,866
I know it's not easy,
but that's your niece, man.

51
00:02:15,868 --> 00:02:18,002
You can't just give up on her.

52
00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,236
No, you're right.

53
00:02:19,238 --> 00:02:21,538
I would like to be
a bigger part of her life.

54
00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:23,073
I mean, she's family.

55
00:02:23,075 --> 00:02:24,775
I mean, she's-she's gonna grow up,

56
00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,643
and she'll be in college soon.

57
00:02:26,645 --> 00:02:29,780
I might want to sleep
with some of her friends.

58
00:02:36,587 --> 00:02:37,854
Hey, Mikayla.

59
00:02:37,856 --> 00:02:39,255
Hey.

60
00:02:39,257 --> 00:02:41,090
My parents are in the kitchen.

61
00:02:41,092 --> 00:02:44,561
Oh, uh, actually, there was
something I wanted to show you.

62
00:02:44,563 --> 00:02:46,896
And it's... this.

63
00:02:51,635 --> 00:02:53,836
Are you having a stroke?

64
00:02:53,838 --> 00:02:55,204
No!

65
00:02:55,206 --> 00:02:57,373
No, no, no, no.
It's just a... it's a, um...

66
00:02:57,375 --> 00:02:59,842
it's a fun game that kids are
playing on their cell phones.

67
00:02:59,844 --> 00:03:02,210
Mom and Dad won't let me have a cell phone.

68
00:03:02,212 --> 00:03:04,747
They don't want Obama
listening to my calls.

69
00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:09,919
I was just trying to make
a face uglier than yours.

70
00:03:11,822 --> 00:03:13,789
Why would you say that?

71
00:03:13,791 --> 00:03:15,257
No... no, no, no! No, I'm sorry.

72
00:03:15,259 --> 00:03:16,492
No, that's the game.

73
00:03:16,494 --> 00:03:19,594
A game where you hurt
each other's feelings?

74
00:03:19,596 --> 00:03:21,263
Fine.

75
00:03:21,265 --> 00:03:23,531
You should get a second nose job.

76
00:03:26,302 --> 00:03:28,170
Yeah, we all know.

77
00:03:33,742 --> 00:03:35,142
Hey, uh...

78
00:03:35,144 --> 00:03:37,479
you guys know I had
a deviated septum, right?

79
00:03:37,481 --> 00:03:39,781
Yeah. Hey! Hey! Hey!

80
00:03:39,783 --> 00:03:42,049
No, these cookies are for
the New Age charter school

81
00:03:42,051 --> 00:03:43,384
we're trying to get Mikayla into--

82
00:03:43,386 --> 00:03:44,586
Valley Pastures Academy.

83
00:03:44,588 --> 00:03:46,187
They're having an open house tonight.

84
00:03:46,189 --> 00:03:47,188
It's a dream school.

85
00:03:47,190 --> 00:03:48,656
It's all totally free and open.

86
00:03:48,658 --> 00:03:50,692
It's just like my old commune
except it's not rigged

87
00:03:50,694 --> 00:03:52,659
to explode if an ATF officer steps inside.

88
00:03:54,529 --> 00:03:56,563
I miss you, Uncle Dad.

89
00:03:57,799 --> 00:04:00,067
Well, listen, I'd love
to help in any way I can.

90
00:04:00,069 --> 00:04:02,236
You know, she is, uh...
she is my favorite niece.

91
00:04:02,238 --> 00:04:03,770
My only niece.

92
00:04:03,772 --> 00:04:05,339
Uh, well, yeah, I mean, if you're serious,

93
00:04:05,341 --> 00:04:06,974
we'd love to have you come with us.

94
00:04:06,976 --> 00:04:08,408
Having a kind of famous face around

95
00:04:08,410 --> 00:04:10,410
would really help Mikayla
stand out from the crowd.

96
00:04:10,412 --> 00:04:11,578
You'd be her hero.

97
00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:13,213
- Wow, "her hero."
- Yeah.

98
00:04:13,215 --> 00:04:14,681
I'd like to, uh...

99
00:04:14,683 --> 00:04:16,783
I'd like to think that she
thinks that way about...

100
00:04:16,785 --> 00:04:18,084
about her favorite uncle.

101
00:04:18,086 --> 00:04:19,319
Her only uncle.

102
00:04:19,321 --> 00:04:20,621
Yeah, that's my fault.

103
00:04:20,623 --> 00:04:22,455
My mom didn't want to have any more kids

104
00:04:22,457 --> 00:04:24,724
after giving birth to a 17-pound baby.

105
00:04:26,460 --> 00:04:29,562
That poor woman still pees
every time she sneezes.

106
00:04:35,769 --> 00:04:37,070
Hey, Kip.

107
00:04:37,072 --> 00:04:38,405
What are you doing here?

108
00:04:38,407 --> 00:04:39,605
Applesauce!

109
00:04:39,607 --> 00:04:40,573
Applesauce!

110
00:04:40,575 --> 00:04:42,207
Applesauce!

111
00:04:49,119 --> 00:04:50,418
Kip, what the hell happened?

112
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:52,420
I thought you threw out
all your sleeping pills.

113
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:55,057
I did, but I was up all night
tossing and turning,

114
00:04:55,059 --> 00:04:56,725
so I got them out of the trash.

115
00:04:56,727 --> 00:04:59,628
(sighs) Why were you strangling Tom?

116
00:04:59,630 --> 00:05:01,663
And why were you wearing a tuxedo

117
00:05:01,665 --> 00:05:03,565
and screaming "applesauce"?!

118
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:05,901
(sighs) I don't know!

119
00:05:05,903 --> 00:05:08,436
Uh... the tuxedo maybe
because I fell asleep

120
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:11,306
thinking about George Clooney,
but I do that every night.

121
00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:15,477
But I do know at dinner,
Carol was complaining

122
00:05:15,479 --> 00:05:17,945
about how you eat applesauce.

123
00:05:17,947 --> 00:05:19,647
That's no reason to kill a man!

124
00:05:19,649 --> 00:05:21,549
He's right. Sleep-cooking is one thing,

125
00:05:21,551 --> 00:05:24,752
but trying to sleep-kill
Tom is going too far.

126
00:05:24,754 --> 00:05:26,687
Maybe if you stopped complaining about me,

127
00:05:26,689 --> 00:05:29,490
he wouldn't feel the need to murder me.

128
00:05:29,492 --> 00:05:30,725
Not gonna happen.

129
00:05:30,727 --> 00:05:33,327
I've got 40 years of
complaints to get through.

130
00:05:33,329 --> 00:05:34,762
You snore when you're reading.

131
00:05:34,764 --> 00:05:36,797
You mend your clothes with scotch tape.

132
00:05:36,799 --> 00:05:38,332
And there's not one single food

133
00:05:38,334 --> 00:05:39,833
that you don't put mayonnaise on,

134
00:05:39,835 --> 00:05:41,701
including desserts.

135
00:05:41,703 --> 00:05:43,237
What's wrong with mayo?

136
00:05:43,239 --> 00:05:44,904
It's America's condiment.

137
00:05:44,906 --> 00:05:46,540
It's unhealthy!

138
00:05:46,542 --> 00:05:47,907
If it was unhealthy,

139
00:05:47,909 --> 00:05:51,211
why would they name
a health clinic after it?!

140
00:05:51,213 --> 00:05:53,780
Guys...

141
00:05:53,782 --> 00:05:56,249
I-I know I have to learn
to sleep on my own again,

142
00:05:56,251 --> 00:05:58,118
but if you leave me alone, I don't know

143
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,153
if I have the power to resist those pills.

144
00:06:00,155 --> 00:06:02,355
It's like how I can't go
to the grocery store

145
00:06:02,357 --> 00:06:04,490
without buying a tabloid
in the checkout line.

146
00:06:04,492 --> 00:06:06,893
I know it's bad for me, but I need to know

147
00:06:06,895 --> 00:06:09,696
what Gwen Stefani's dog looks like.

148
00:06:09,698 --> 00:06:11,731
Kip, I can help you kick this habit.

149
00:06:11,733 --> 00:06:12,765
TOM: We both can.

150
00:06:12,767 --> 00:06:14,066
We sleep-trained our kids.

151
00:06:14,068 --> 00:06:15,568
That's right.

152
00:06:15,570 --> 00:06:18,137
We can help you through it
so you're never alone.

153
00:06:18,139 --> 00:06:20,606
What do you say?

154
00:06:22,042 --> 00:06:24,043
Okay. I'm in.

155
00:06:24,045 --> 00:06:26,679
Good. Because I'm not ready to die.

156
00:06:26,681 --> 00:06:29,748
There are so many things
I want to see before I die.

157
00:06:29,750 --> 00:06:32,384
Like Carol die.

158
00:06:38,725 --> 00:06:40,592
(chuckles) I love this place.

159
00:06:40,594 --> 00:06:42,695
You know, they really
focus on the three R's.

160
00:06:42,697 --> 00:06:45,963
Recycling, reforestation and reggae.

161
00:06:45,965 --> 00:06:48,132
Well, look at that little,

162
00:06:48,134 --> 00:06:49,834
friendly face.

163
00:06:49,836 --> 00:06:51,169
I'm Miss Sparks.

164
00:06:51,171 --> 00:06:52,804
Hi. We're Debbie and Adam Patterson.

165
00:06:52,806 --> 00:06:55,240
And this is Mikayla, our daughter.

166
00:06:55,242 --> 00:06:56,675
Or, if it helps her get in,

167
00:06:56,677 --> 00:06:58,310
it's our son who likes to wear dresses.

168
00:06:58,312 --> 00:07:00,545
Oh.

169
00:07:00,547 --> 00:07:04,215
Well, whatever you are, you're wonderful.

170
00:07:04,217 --> 00:07:07,018
And do I spy with my little eye

171
00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:10,722
WXDN's handsomest reporter?

172
00:07:10,724 --> 00:07:11,756
That's my uncle.

173
00:07:11,758 --> 00:07:13,557
Well, I wouldn't say handsomest.

174
00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:16,961
But you're the teacher here,
so who am I to back-talk?

175
00:07:16,963 --> 00:07:20,163
(chuckles) Mmm, your
uncle is a rule follower.

176
00:07:20,165 --> 00:07:23,434
Looks like Miss Sparks
has a new teacher's pet.

177
00:07:23,436 --> 00:07:25,802
(clicks tongue) Would you like to see

178
00:07:25,804 --> 00:07:28,972
our drought-friendly waterless pool?

179
00:07:28,974 --> 00:07:30,974
Oh, my God.

180
00:07:30,976 --> 00:07:35,445
She was all over you like white
on organic basmati rice.

181
00:07:35,447 --> 00:07:36,446
(clears throat)

182
00:07:36,448 --> 00:07:37,948
Just the power of the suit.

183
00:07:37,950 --> 00:07:39,249
But don't worry, I'll stay away.

184
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:40,751
I don't want to ruin Mikayla's chances.

185
00:07:40,753 --> 00:07:42,285
Wait. No, no, no. Are you kidding?

186
00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:43,720
We need every advantage we can get.

187
00:07:43,722 --> 00:07:45,989
You got to take her out,
show her a good time.

188
00:07:45,991 --> 00:07:47,290
Yeah.

189
00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:48,859
Yeah, and if you need a recommendation

190
00:07:48,861 --> 00:07:51,094
for a romantic vegan restaurant...

191
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:53,263
there are none.

192
00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:58,468
This thing is so comfy.

193
00:07:58,470 --> 00:08:01,871
I feel like the gay Teletubby's boyfriend.

194
00:08:03,607 --> 00:08:05,541
I knew you'd love them.

195
00:08:05,543 --> 00:08:07,209
Tonight we're gonna do everything we can

196
00:08:07,211 --> 00:08:09,078
to put you in the mood for sleep.

197
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,679
- (quietly): Oh, good.
- Now...

198
00:08:10,681 --> 00:08:11,747
sit here

199
00:08:11,749 --> 00:08:14,449
and have some warm milk.

200
00:08:14,451 --> 00:08:16,618
(humming a tune)

201
00:08:27,863 --> 00:08:29,765
I-I like the humming.

202
00:08:29,767 --> 00:08:31,800
Um, but do you have to do it

203
00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:34,369
with so much eye contact?

204
00:08:34,371 --> 00:08:35,837
He does.

205
00:08:35,839 --> 00:08:38,807
It'll force you to close your eyes.

206
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:47,448
My God, is there bourbon in this?

207
00:08:47,450 --> 00:08:50,285
Yeah. It worked on our kids every time.

208
00:08:50,287 --> 00:08:52,921
But just a thimbleful.

209
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:55,589
Once, Nathan got a full shot
and ended up in a fistfight

210
00:08:55,591 --> 00:08:58,192
with Tom over who was the funniest Muppet.

211
00:09:00,161 --> 00:09:03,664
Come on, Kip, let's go to sleep.

212
00:09:03,666 --> 00:09:06,033
Sweet dreams, my little Eskimo.

213
00:09:06,035 --> 00:09:08,235
Oh, what's happening?

214
00:09:08,237 --> 00:09:09,704
Sorry, it's an old habit.

215
00:09:09,706 --> 00:09:10,938
Yeah.

216
00:09:14,575 --> 00:09:16,176
Oh, Oh, hey.

217
00:09:16,178 --> 00:09:17,945
Sorry I'm late.

218
00:09:17,947 --> 00:09:21,348
I had to cover a big story
about the president...

219
00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:23,050
of the Leesburg Yo-Yo Club.

220
00:09:23,052 --> 00:09:24,417
Oh.

221
00:09:24,419 --> 00:09:27,654
So, insider information--
he's not retiring.

222
00:09:27,656 --> 00:09:31,057
Well, I'm gonna have to mark
you down as tardy. Yeah.

223
00:09:31,059 --> 00:09:34,060
Two more, and I'll have to discipline you.

224
00:09:34,062 --> 00:09:36,229
And I might have to report
you because I'm a reporter.

225
00:09:36,231 --> 00:09:37,263
Oh!

226
00:09:37,265 --> 00:09:38,898
(both laughing)

227
00:09:38,900 --> 00:09:40,367
Uh, yeah, very good.

228
00:09:40,369 --> 00:09:42,068
Uh, I'll take a gin martini, six olives.

229
00:09:42,070 --> 00:09:43,403
And the lady will have...

230
00:09:43,405 --> 00:09:45,538
I'll have an apple juice, straight up.

231
00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:48,707
Ice always makes my teeth
a little too chilly-willy.

232
00:09:48,709 --> 00:09:50,609
(chuckling): Yeah.

233
00:09:50,611 --> 00:09:53,512
Oh.

234
00:09:53,514 --> 00:09:55,381
Apple juice, huh?

235
00:09:55,383 --> 00:09:57,250
Yeah, if I have anything else,

236
00:09:57,252 --> 00:09:59,818
I get a rumbly in my tumbly. (groans)

237
00:10:00,888 --> 00:10:03,222
Okay.

238
00:10:03,224 --> 00:10:06,425
Ah-ah-ah, before you reach,

239
00:10:06,427 --> 00:10:09,628
are you making smart decisions
for your body?

240
00:10:09,630 --> 00:10:11,630
- Well, I guess not.
- (laughs)

241
00:10:11,632 --> 00:10:13,632
Apparently, I'm not making
any smart decisions today.

242
00:10:13,634 --> 00:10:14,733
(laughs)

243
00:10:14,735 --> 00:10:17,603
Yeah, I'm going to need two more of these.

244
00:10:17,605 --> 00:10:20,906
And if Nathan likes
six olives in his martini

245
00:10:20,908 --> 00:10:23,208
and he just ordered two more martinis,

246
00:10:23,210 --> 00:10:26,344
how many olives would Nathan have?

247
00:10:26,346 --> 00:10:28,646
Four more of these.

248
00:10:32,285 --> 00:10:35,186
So she really never stops
talking like that, huh? Wow.

249
00:10:35,188 --> 00:10:36,721
I don't know, man.
I think you're being too picky.

250
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:37,855
No, man, listen.

251
00:10:37,857 --> 00:10:39,924
At dinner, when I was trying to do the math

252
00:10:39,926 --> 00:10:42,460
to figure out the tip,
she made me show my work.

253
00:10:46,031 --> 00:10:48,733
Oh, Nathan, you got any bourbon?

254
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:50,468
Yeah, it's in the... it's in the kitchen.

255
00:10:50,470 --> 00:10:52,703
For some strange reason,
I can't fall asleep without it.

256
00:10:52,705 --> 00:10:54,638
Oh, yeah, me, too.

257
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,807
That is strange.

258
00:10:56,809 --> 00:10:58,008
Yeah.

259
00:10:59,010 --> 00:11:01,979
So strange.

260
00:11:03,648 --> 00:11:04,949
Well, I need some more.

261
00:11:04,951 --> 00:11:06,783
Kip's been up for two nights straight,

262
00:11:06,785 --> 00:11:08,018
and not even a yawn.

263
00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:09,453
It's Tom's shift,

264
00:11:09,455 --> 00:11:12,388
and he's trying every trick he knows.

265
00:11:12,390 --> 00:11:14,090
Lucky for you, I have a secret weapon

266
00:11:14,092 --> 00:11:16,392
that has never failed
to put someone to sleep:

267
00:11:16,394 --> 00:11:19,162
a story from my own life.

268
00:11:19,164 --> 00:11:20,697
You have three choices.

269
00:11:20,699 --> 00:11:22,031
Story number one:

270
00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:24,701
"A Day in October."

271
00:11:24,703 --> 00:11:26,535
Story number two:

272
00:11:26,537 --> 00:11:29,439
"The Time I Almost Went to New Jersey."

273
00:11:29,441 --> 00:11:31,140
Story number three:

274
00:11:31,142 --> 00:11:34,877
"The Difficult Jar."

275
00:11:34,879 --> 00:11:36,212
- (phone chimes)
- Oh...

276
00:11:36,414 --> 00:11:37,680
Hang on. Great.

277
00:11:37,682 --> 00:11:39,148
Just got a text from Miss Sparks.

278
00:11:39,150 --> 00:11:40,783
Bunch of smiley faces and hearts.

279
00:11:41,485 --> 00:11:43,318
Hey, is there an emoji for a dump truck?

280
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,720
I want to find a cute way
to let her know it's over.

281
00:11:45,722 --> 00:11:47,947
Wait. What? No, no, no. You
can't stop dating her.

282
00:11:47,992 --> 00:11:49,458
Mikayla hasn't had her interview yet.

283
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,159
Miss Sparks is on the admissions board.

284
00:11:51,161 --> 00:11:52,260
All right. Fine.

285
00:11:52,262 --> 00:11:54,096
So, once Mikayla has
her interview and gets in,

286
00:11:54,098 --> 00:11:55,731
then I can break up with her, right?

287
00:11:55,733 --> 00:11:57,199
Uh, well...

288
00:11:57,201 --> 00:11:58,701
she might end up being her teacher.

289
00:11:58,703 --> 00:12:00,768
I'm sorry. So do I have to date her

290
00:12:00,770 --> 00:12:02,837
all the way until Mikayla's done
with elementary school?

291
00:12:02,839 --> 00:12:04,539
No, of course not.

292
00:12:04,541 --> 00:12:06,440
Valley Pastures is K-through-12.

293
00:12:06,442 --> 00:12:07,741
Oh, come on, Debbie!

294
00:12:07,743 --> 00:12:09,210
Look, I don't know
how long it's gonna take,

295
00:12:09,212 --> 00:12:10,878
but you gotta stick it out
for a little while.

296
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,946
I mean, you're the one
who wanted to be a good uncle.

297
00:12:12,948 --> 00:12:14,115
You know? Her "hero."

298
00:12:14,117 --> 00:12:15,616
Yeah, well, I didn't think

299
00:12:15,618 --> 00:12:18,419
it was going to require... effort.

300
00:12:18,421 --> 00:12:19,553
Fine.

301
00:12:19,555 --> 00:12:21,155
- Fine.
- Thank you.

302
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,322
You're a good uncle.

303
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:24,424
Yeah. And who knows,
you might end up liking it.

304
00:12:24,426 --> 00:12:26,159
You know, once, I dated a dog trainer.

305
00:12:26,161 --> 00:12:28,795
I gave her the most obedient
years of my life.

306
00:12:28,797 --> 00:12:30,263
To this day, when I get

307
00:12:30,265 --> 00:12:31,865
hit in the nose with a newspaper,

308
00:12:31,867 --> 00:12:33,066
I still think about her.

309
00:12:33,068 --> 00:12:34,467
I'm sorry, why are you
getting hit in the...

310
00:12:34,469 --> 00:12:36,069
Sometimes he misses the toilet.

311
00:12:59,893 --> 00:13:01,961
Do I need to tie you down?

312
00:13:01,963 --> 00:13:03,462
No.

313
00:13:03,464 --> 00:13:05,164
That only gets me more worked up.

314
00:13:06,633 --> 00:13:08,333
(timer dings)

315
00:13:08,335 --> 00:13:10,636
Thank goodness.

316
00:13:10,638 --> 00:13:12,571
It's Tom's turn.

317
00:13:16,642 --> 00:13:18,843
(snoring)

318
00:13:22,882 --> 00:13:23,949
(snorts)

319
00:13:23,951 --> 00:13:25,984
You're up, Tom.

320
00:13:25,986 --> 00:13:27,819
Got it.

321
00:13:27,821 --> 00:13:29,854
Let me just, uh...

322
00:13:29,856 --> 00:13:30,989
(snoring)

323
00:13:30,991 --> 00:13:32,190
You know...

324
00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:56,981
Oh! Tom!

325
00:13:56,983 --> 00:13:58,483
(sighs)

326
00:13:58,485 --> 00:14:00,151
Oh, thank goodness you woke me up.

327
00:14:00,153 --> 00:14:03,386
I was seconds away
from kissing Steve Harvey.

328
00:14:04,656 --> 00:14:06,757
I could still feel his bristly mustache

329
00:14:06,759 --> 00:14:07,791
tickling my lip.

330
00:14:07,793 --> 00:14:09,727
Kip!

331
00:14:11,630 --> 00:14:14,098
(exhales)

332
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:16,399
(pills rattling)

333
00:14:16,401 --> 00:14:18,135
Wake up, junkie!

334
00:14:18,137 --> 00:14:20,069
You took the pills, junkie!

335
00:14:20,071 --> 00:14:22,805
No, I didn't.

336
00:14:22,807 --> 00:14:24,907
They're all there, I swear.

337
00:14:24,909 --> 00:14:27,377
You can count them if you don't believe me.

338
00:14:29,514 --> 00:14:32,048
I was about to take them,
but then I realized

339
00:14:32,050 --> 00:14:34,083
the only reason I needed those pills

340
00:14:34,085 --> 00:14:35,584
to sleep in the first place

341
00:14:35,586 --> 00:14:39,221
was because Leon was gone and I felt alone.

342
00:14:39,223 --> 00:14:40,990
But then...

343
00:14:40,992 --> 00:14:43,092
I saw you two out there,

344
00:14:43,094 --> 00:14:46,929
so exhausted after three days
of taking care of me.

345
00:14:47,998 --> 00:14:49,431
I just...

346
00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:52,834
I didn't feel so alone anymore.

347
00:14:52,836 --> 00:14:54,603
Next thing I knew,

348
00:14:54,605 --> 00:14:55,971
I was asleep.

349
00:14:55,973 --> 00:14:57,273
(rattling)

350
00:14:57,275 --> 00:14:58,740
They're all here.

351
00:15:00,310 --> 00:15:02,311
Kip...

352
00:15:02,313 --> 00:15:04,413
Aw, Kip...

353
00:15:04,415 --> 00:15:07,082
I'm so proud of you.

354
00:15:07,084 --> 00:15:09,350
So am I.

355
00:15:09,352 --> 00:15:11,619
Your perseverance reminds me

356
00:15:11,621 --> 00:15:13,789
of "The Difficult Jar."

357
00:15:16,659 --> 00:15:19,094
It was 1972.

358
00:15:19,096 --> 00:15:22,230
I had a hankering for some applesauce...

359
00:15:22,232 --> 00:15:23,731
Tom.

360
00:15:26,402 --> 00:15:28,469
You still got it.

361
00:15:42,389 --> 00:15:43,989
Hey, Mikayla, what are you doing here?

362
00:15:43,991 --> 00:15:46,158
My interview got changed to today.

363
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,894
Mom and Dad are inside
for the parent portion.

364
00:15:48,896 --> 00:15:50,428
And what are you doing here?

365
00:15:50,430 --> 00:15:53,231
Well, Miss Sparks and I
are going to dinner.

366
00:15:53,233 --> 00:15:55,167
Spent the entire day trying to find

367
00:15:55,169 --> 00:15:57,803
a four-star restaurant with a kids' menu.

368
00:15:57,805 --> 00:16:00,538
At least you only have her for one night.

369
00:16:00,540 --> 00:16:03,433
I'm gonna have to see her
every day at this stupid school.

370
00:16:03,510 --> 00:16:04,909
What? I thought you loved this place.

371
00:16:04,911 --> 00:16:06,677
No. My parents love it.

372
00:16:06,679 --> 00:16:09,714
I don't want to go to a school
where popularity is based on

373
00:16:09,716 --> 00:16:11,949
who has the smallest carbon footprint

374
00:16:11,951 --> 00:16:14,619
and half my classmates
are still breast-feeding.

375
00:16:18,056 --> 00:16:20,190
I want to learn real skills,

376
00:16:20,192 --> 00:16:22,026
so I can get a cool job

377
00:16:22,028 --> 00:16:23,594
and a stylish condo

378
00:16:23,596 --> 00:16:25,496
and drive an expensive car.

379
00:16:25,498 --> 00:16:28,065
I want to be...

380
00:16:28,067 --> 00:16:29,567
Go ahead, you can say it.

381
00:16:29,569 --> 00:16:33,370
I want to be rich and superficial like you.

382
00:16:34,805 --> 00:16:37,307
Really? You really want to be like me?

383
00:16:37,309 --> 00:16:38,909
Yeah.

384
00:16:38,911 --> 00:16:41,178
Listen... (sighs)

385
00:16:41,180 --> 00:16:42,579
Just because your parents are hippies

386
00:16:42,581 --> 00:16:44,014
doesn't mean that you have to be.

387
00:16:44,016 --> 00:16:46,450
So I want you to march in that room

388
00:16:46,452 --> 00:16:48,552
and tell them who you really are, okay?

389
00:16:50,021 --> 00:16:52,589
Oh! Sorry we're running late, Nathan.

390
00:16:52,591 --> 00:16:54,024
I promise I'll be done

391
00:16:54,026 --> 00:16:57,226
before the big hand kisses
the little hand on the clock.

392
00:16:57,228 --> 00:16:58,361
(smacks lips)

393
00:16:58,363 --> 00:17:00,329
Mikayla, we're ready for you.

394
00:17:01,832 --> 00:17:04,034
Oh, you don't need to come in for this.

395
00:17:04,036 --> 00:17:05,902
Yeah, actually, I do.

396
00:17:08,205 --> 00:17:11,874
Mikayla, thank you for joining
our circle of admission.

397
00:17:11,876 --> 00:17:12,942
My name

398
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:15,044
is Principal Walters,

399
00:17:15,046 --> 00:17:16,345
but you can call me Chuck,

400
00:17:16,347 --> 00:17:18,814
or any sound that creatively inspires you.

401
00:17:18,816 --> 00:17:20,883
A lot of kids like to call me...

402
00:17:20,885 --> 00:17:23,219
(imitates trumpet fanfare)

403
00:17:24,153 --> 00:17:26,121
I'll just call you Mr. Walters.

404
00:17:26,123 --> 00:17:28,057
- Wait...
- (laughing)

405
00:17:28,059 --> 00:17:29,458
No, honey, what? She's just kidding,

406
00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:30,793
Mr. (imitates trumpet fanfare)

407
00:17:30,795 --> 00:17:32,061
Oh, please.

408
00:17:32,063 --> 00:17:34,964
Mr. (imitates fanfare) is my father's name.

409
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,298
Okay, listen up, weirdos.

410
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:39,101
Mikayla's got something
she wants to say, okay?

411
00:17:39,103 --> 00:17:40,835
MIKAYLA: Mom,

412
00:17:40,837 --> 00:17:42,537
Dad...

413
00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:45,173
- Maybe it's not the right time.
- You know what?

414
00:17:45,175 --> 00:17:46,241
It's never the right time.

415
00:17:46,243 --> 00:17:47,809
Go ahead, sweetheart.

416
00:17:47,811 --> 00:17:50,645
Mom, Dad...

417
00:17:50,647 --> 00:17:53,815
there's something about myself
that I've been hiding from you.

418
00:17:55,151 --> 00:17:56,518
I want to be a one-percenter.

419
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,753
- (gasps)
- (gasps)

420
00:18:00,656 --> 00:18:03,091
I'm not saying
I don't want to save the whales.

421
00:18:03,093 --> 00:18:05,693
I'd just rather make a fortune
selling an Internet company,

422
00:18:05,695 --> 00:18:08,329
then buy a boat for other people
to save the whales,

423
00:18:08,331 --> 00:18:10,464
while I'm on my own boat getting a massage

424
00:18:10,466 --> 00:18:13,900
from a hot guy...

425
00:18:13,902 --> 00:18:16,036
who probably hasn't even been born yet.

426
00:18:16,038 --> 00:18:19,273
No. No, no, no. Honey, honey, no, no.

427
00:18:19,275 --> 00:18:20,841
You're probably just confused.

428
00:18:20,843 --> 00:18:23,210
No, I'm not.

429
00:18:23,212 --> 00:18:26,147
I've never been so sure
of anything in my whole life.

430
00:18:26,149 --> 00:18:28,349
I want to go to a real school.

431
00:18:28,351 --> 00:18:29,816
With real grades

432
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:32,052
and sports that cause concussions.

433
00:18:33,955 --> 00:18:35,989
I hope you still love me.

434
00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:38,358
Oh, honey, yeah, come here.

435
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,593
Of course we do.

436
00:18:40,595 --> 00:18:42,495
Okay?

437
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:45,065
Well, uh, I'm sorry,

438
00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:47,300
but, uh, I think this school
probably isn't for us.

439
00:18:47,302 --> 00:18:49,702
(laughing): That's okay.

440
00:18:49,704 --> 00:18:51,003
I hated you guys anyway.

441
00:18:53,541 --> 00:18:54,607
Yeah, you know, I always suspected this.

442
00:18:54,609 --> 00:18:55,908
Last summer, I found a <i>Forbes</i> magazine

443
00:18:55,910 --> 00:18:57,009
under your mattress.

444
00:18:57,011 --> 00:18:58,878
I don't even understand the articles.

445
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,714
I just like to look at the money.

446
00:19:04,453 --> 00:19:07,653
Well, looks like Mikayla go bye-bye.

447
00:19:07,655 --> 00:19:10,655
Sad face.

448
00:19:10,657 --> 00:19:12,356
Who's ready for some din-din?

449
00:19:13,592 --> 00:19:15,660
Yeah, listen, I'm sorry.
It's not going to work out.

450
00:19:15,662 --> 00:19:18,129
Um, you know, you speak to me
like I'm a child,

451
00:19:18,131 --> 00:19:20,364
and we've been over this a million times:

452
00:19:20,366 --> 00:19:22,233
I'm 43 years old.

453
00:19:22,235 --> 00:19:23,735
Please help me.

454
00:19:23,737 --> 00:19:25,236
Pretty please?

455
00:19:25,238 --> 00:19:26,837
I can't stop.

456
00:19:26,839 --> 00:19:29,873
I've been around little kids for too long.

457
00:19:29,875 --> 00:19:32,076
I used to drink and swear

458
00:19:32,078 --> 00:19:34,712
and make bad decisions.

459
00:19:36,582 --> 00:19:42,285
I weally, weally miss that
person so, so, so, so much!

460
00:19:42,287 --> 00:19:46,090
Can you think of any way to help me?

461
00:19:46,092 --> 00:19:48,870
Well, that fixed it.

462
00:19:50,579 --> 00:19:53,280
Yeah. Happiest I've
ever been to get an "F."

463
00:19:57,087 --> 00:20:00,074

464
00:20:00,124 --> 00:20:04,674
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